I'm drained....

I don't know where to begin this post, but I suppose it has a beginning somewhere. I just feel as though I must get this on paper before I loose all the energy it's going to take to get it out. However, I must say that I can breath with ease tonight.

On Monday morning, we got a call that we needed to take T to the a center where they 'interview' children who have been abused of some kind. There was an allegation made on Monday morning that someone touched T inappropriately. We had no more information given to us than that. In the foster care system here, there is no one to turn to when you start freaking out that there has been an allegation made against you or your family. It feels isolating.

We were told later that day that the details were sketchy and we couldn't know who made them. Also, they didn't know against whom the allegations were made. It's about as vague as it gets.

So, we spent the last 3 days in anxious waiting. I do not do this gracefully, at all. I experienced a mild (probably super mild in comparison) anxiety attack on Tuesday morning. I didn't feel as though work was a good option for me that day. I stayed home with Andy and the kids. I rested a great deal of the day, feeling as though a rock was laid upon my chest. A heavy, 50 pound rock. I experienced headaches like I've never had before. I would wake up thinking about all the endless outcomes to this situation. I envisioned being taken from the interviewing office in hand cuffs and taking my one and only child from my arms (I ran these thoughts through my mind, despite our obvious innocence).

Today came.

We came to find out that her dad, who has 3 days of unsupervised visits with her on the weekends, asked her if she had been touched. She said yes. He called this into DCS. We, in turn, had to show up today for T to sit through a 10 minute (literally) interview for them to decide she had not been touched inappropriately.

Our lives were put on hold for this. I went every place imaginable in my mind for these 10 minutes. I felt as though we put our family on the line for this.

We are not going to allow ourselves to be in that position again.

T is being moved, by our request, next week.

Already, things are hard. It's hard gathering toys, clothes, blankies, and hair product that I thought would remain in this house forever. It's hard to gather the thoughts and plans and pack those away as well. Andy keeps reminding me that this is not His plan. I get that. I just want to know we are making the right decision and that she will continue to be safe. It's hard letting go, and we did not anticipate it to end this way.

We are going to take our names off the call list of foster care. We are going to allow our license to run out in October when it is time for renewal. We can't sacrifice our growing family. There are some people in this world that do foster care and they do it well. They make it look real but mangeable. They don't sugar coat the process, but they demonstrate that it can be done. We do not fall into that small category. We tried, and we learned in 5 months that it is not His plan for us.

We will continue throughout the years to pray for T in what life brings her. She will be on our hearts forever, I'm sure.