Not feeling on top of the World

I would like to chalk these feelings up to pregnancy hormones. However, I think that would be very dishonest with myself.

Bottom line, my feelings have been hurt quite badly. They were hurt last night and I was going to try the theory that all would wash away by morning. It kind of did, then it didn't.

Bottom line: My only sister, baby sister, is getting married in 5 weeks. She has chosen 3 'maids of honor' and 7 bridesmaids. I was to be one of 3 maids of honor. I told her and my mom, not in any immature way, that I will be hurt if I'm not standing next to her because she has only one sister-me. And, I love my sister very much. I have great respect for her. She's a popular girl, I get that. Several months ago during our conversation of who would be where in the line up she told me 'don't worry about it'. So I didn't and all went on as normal. I am planning a very cool bachelorette party. I am organizing it all and have been for quite some time.

Last night, as my sister was spending the night at my parents' house, I get a call from my dad. My dad, of all people. He told me we had to have a father/daughter talk. Immediately I am nervous. We have these so-called talks every 3 years or so. You never know what is coming out of his mouth, not usually earth-shattering news, but still....

Anyway, he tells me that he/they know I wanted to stand next to my sister and be m.o.h #1. Well, this is her wedding. "We" don't want to upset her or add stress to her. And, she has chosen Casey, (her best friend of 5 years) to be #1. I say, through immediate tears, that that is fine. He tells me not to be mad. I tell him through freely flowing tears that I promise I wouldn't be. He then tells me not to cry (much too late for this bit of advice considering I can't talk because I'm trying super hard not to sob). A day later and I'm still trying to hold the tears in. I text 3 people this info. One calls me, bless her heart, and I can't talk because either I'm going to sob or puke from trying not to sob. One is at work and won't get the news until hours later-no help. And one offers to call if I need to talk. I take #3 up on the offer after I have determined I'm not going to puke several minutes later.

We chat. I feel better after someone outside of the situation reassures me I will be ok and that it's perfectly normal to have hurt feelings. We decide things will feel better in the morning...they always do.

So, hubby wakes up today and we also chat about it. He is totally male, doesn't understand why I'm so upset, but respects that I'm upset. He also agrees that it should have been my sister to call me and not my dad. I asked my dad why he called and he said he gets all the crappy jobs. Apparently. Today I feel like they allowed my sister to hide behind them at my expense. I think that may have hurt as badly as the decision itself. Why do I get shafted twice w/in the same action? If she is going to make this decision, that's fine (it still hurts, but it's fine). However, I think she should have been the one to make the call. I have never in my life lost my temper to her in our adult lives. Never. What did she think she had to fear other than my tears?

So, I'm trying hard to be over it. I told Andy that I hope no one in my family flippantly mentions this to me in passing...it won't go over well, or at least without tears.

My dad calls me today. To check on me. He tells me that he wants to make sure I'm ok because I didn't sound ok last night. I told him I wasn't ok last night. He began to defend the decision again. I interrupted him- told him I spoke with 2 friends about it and he shouldn't feel the need to supplement that. Nothing was going to come of more conversation discussing it. I had tears all over again.

So, all in all, this hurt isn't over like I was hoping for last night. I didn't even want to post about it for fear of a family member reading it. But, I came to the conclusion that this is my outlet, my spot for being honest with myself if I so choose.

I want to be done feeling this...through prayer I'm hoping He takes this burden from me.