I was speaking my heart to my dear friend the other day (I wish I could say today was that day and that I immediately blogged after our conversation--that, however would be a lie...I am only now getting around to writing it. It's sad, I know...) and after our conversation she highly recommend either I journal what is on my heart or blog about it. Because I am kind of lazy and my fine motor skills just aren't up to what they used to be (amazing how quickly they go back to mush after all that note taking in college), I am choosing to blog about what has been going on in my heart.
First of all, if any of this is in need of clarification, let me do it now. I adore the little one living in our home. I have a heart connection with her, I love to hear her call me 'Mommy', I love being her mommy. On top of this, I must also add that if we get to be her 'forever family' I will allow the floodgates of emotion to open and will release all I've been holding back. She can't tell I'm holding anything back, Maeic can't tell, the outside world can't tell--but Hubby and I know we have to hold something back until we know what our future holds in regard to T.
Anyway, I have no new news regarding her case. She is having 2 hour in home supervised visits. They seem to go ok, she seems like she enjoys herself while she's there. I just want to make a point to add, there is nothing in my physical world to indicate what is going on inside my heart.
I feel like T may end up with her dad eventually. I don't know why I feel this way, I hope it is God laying this very real possibility on my heart. I feel like although nothing has changed on the outside, something in my heart and mind is definitely changing. It's weird but I'm not frightened by it. I tend to worry about nearly everything. It's as if God is saying, "Trust me, I've got this". I know He does, I absolutely know this. I don't know if he is preparing my heart for her eventual departure or preparing my heart to be willing to give her back. These are two different things. To be willing is to be accepting, heart and mind, of it. Not an easy task for this very human girl.
I am reminded of Jeremy Camp's new song and the very first lines...which are my favorites of the entire song.
"I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew"
Regardless of what He is doing in me, it is good and I am grateful for it.
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3 comments:
There you have it...
:0)
We never know why we have those feelings, or what God is trying to teach us. I think you hit on something though, with the being willing part.
I almost lost someone extremely dear to me. So dear I didn't think I could live on without them. I had to completely let go of that person, resolving still to love regardless. It was the single most difficult thing I ever had to do and the single most important lesson God ever taught me. When I had finally learned it, and I hope I never unlearn it, the peace and the blessings and the joy that occurred in my heart were beyond description. Letting go of will, loving in the midst of the possibility of serious pain, THAT is living! That is trusting God. There is nothing else like it. =)
Your thoughts, your heart, your openness, your tenderness to what the Lord has in store for you, the way you love - all extraordinarily beautiful.
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